Unless suffering a mental or physical disability, we all speak. Throughout our lives we talk to others to share ideas, tell jokes, argue our point, offer advice, explain our actions, ask for help, teach, connect and lots more.
We are comfortable speaking to friends, family, work colleagues and others. Yet, the fear of public speaking, glossophobia from the Greek glossa (tongue) and phobos (fear or dread), remains a regular on top 10 lists of fears.
Why is this and how can understanding where this fear originates help us?
Neuroscientist and Harvard professor, Matthew Lieberman, sets out in his excellent book ‘Social’ how our fear of public speaking is rooted in a fear of rejection. He suggests that one or two of the most painful experiences in our lives will not have been because of physical pain but what he terms ‘social pain’ such as losing a loved one, a break-up or a public humiliation.
Social pain is as real as physical pain and can be understood through the concept of ‘attachment’ which argues that we are all born with an attachment system, connecting a child to a carer in a way that ensures our survival beyond our infant years. This attachment system then stays with us throughout our lives meaning we never lose the pain or fear of rejection.
This is clearly a barrier for some but equally can be repurposed into a powerful motivator and guide for how we should approach public speaking.
Just as we fear rejection we also have a need for social connection throughout our lives. Speaking in public, whether to a handful of colleagues, a large gathering or an auditorium of thousands is an opportunity for you to connect with others, to build that connection.
If you fail to understand this then you may well be rejected.
In practical terms this means putting yourself in the shoes of your audience and being clear on why are they in the room with you, why are they listening to you, what do they want to get from your shared moment?
From your side, focus on what you want them to think and how you want them to feel after you have spoken.
By making this subtle shift, from you and your fear of rejection to them and what you can do for them, you can begin to see public speaking as the opportunity it is instead of something to be avoided alongside heights, spiders and snakes.